I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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