I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
