On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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