Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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