we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think i scared a bird with my dick
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
