I hate your face
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
