from now on my penis is your penis
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
