can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
