you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
