someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
