Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
