Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
