I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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