Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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