Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
