My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
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I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
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My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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