I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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