Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
