I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
