There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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