shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
and she was petting her beer can
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
