what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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