i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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