On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
