I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
