My sheets look like a crime scene.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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