I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We are two peas in an std pod
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
