I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
