I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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