You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
