Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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