I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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