i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
