How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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