FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
