Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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