i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
