Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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