my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
