She said her name was "party"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
