do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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