More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
