I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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