toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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