He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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