need another drink. this is the easiest way
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
