I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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