I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
