Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
