When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
