It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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