just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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