Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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