So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
