Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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