Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
