I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
