my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They are going to name an STD after you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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