we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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