So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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