Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
