I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
