I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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