We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
