I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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