You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
